who knows who cares

i've been singing this on repeats for about an hour.
yes, i'm one of those annoying people who plays songs over and over until they get sick of them. it takes a long time for me to get sick of a good singing song.

it was a couple (aka 4) of my good friends birthday celebrations yesterday and a good (and very drunken) time was had by pretty much everyone. on the walk back to our friends place we sat on a train while another train rushed by and we (read as I) rapped biggie's party and bullshit.
we were all pretty close to passing out but managed to stay up and hang out for another 3 or so hours.
one of my friends gave me a downpour of the strangest compliments i've ever heard, but that made them even sweeter. the only one i can fully remember is "you're awesome, you could ask me to do anything and i would do it for you. if you told me you wanted to teach poodles to ice skate, i would help." lol i really enjoy the things people will say to you drunkenly while trying to fall asleep at 6am.


it was one of those times where i know i'll look back at when i'm older and laugh about how carefree and open to everything i was (and hopefully still will be). i really hope i never lose my ability to find happiness in small moments.

before after inbetween

i think love really fucks some people up.

this week i watched both before sunrise and before sunset. fantastic films. they made my heart absolutely explode. i've said it before and i'll say it again, i think the reason i love films, music and books so much, is that they help you escape, and can actually make you feel what you feel when you're in love. at least a little bit.

here's part of a scene from before sunrise i LOVE LOVE LOVED. (maybe don't read it if you haven't seen either film. if this is the case, go watch them. NOW):

Celine: "I was thinking...for me it's better I don't romanticize things as much anymore.
I was suffering so much all the time.
I still have lots of dreams, but they're not in regard to my love life.
It doesn't make me sad,it's just the way it is."

Jesse: "Is that why you're in a relationship
with somebody who's...never around?"

C: "Yes, obviously, I can't deal with the day to day life of a relationship.
Yeah, we have, you know, this exciting time together and then he leaves and I miss him, but at least I'm not dying inside.
When someone is always around me, I'm like suffocating!"

J: "No, wait, you just said that you need to love and be loved..."

C: "Yeah, but when I do, it quickly makes me nauseous!
It's a disaster...
I mean, I'm really happy only when I'm on my own.
Even being alone...
it's better than...
sitting next to a lover and feeling lonely.
It's not so easy for me to be a romantic.
You start off that way, and, after you've been screwed over a few times...
You... you forget about all your delusional ideas, and you just take what comes into your life.
That's not even true, I haven't been...
screwed over, I've just had too many...
bla relationship. They weren't mean, they cared for me, but...
they was no real...
connection, or excitement.
At least, not from my side."

J: "God, I'm sorry, is it...
Is it really that bad? It's not, right?"

C: "You know... it's not even that, I was...
I was fine.
Until I read your fucking book! It stirred shit out from you,
It reminded me how...
genuinely romantic I was, how I had so much hope in things and...
now it's like...
I don't believe in anything that relates to love, I don't feel things for people anymore.
In a way...
I put all my romanticism into that one night and I was never able to feel all this again.
Like...
somehow this night took things away from me and...
I expressed them to you and you took them with you!
It made me feel cold, like if love wasn't for me!"

J: "I... I don't believe that. I don't believe that."

C: "You know what? Reality and love are almost contradictory for me.
It's funny...
Every single one of my ex-es...
they're now married!
Man go out with me, we break up, and then they get married!
And later they call me to thank me for teaching them what love is, and...
that I taught them to care and respect women!"

J: "I think I'm one of those guys."

C: "You know, I want to kill them! Why didn't they ask me to marry them? I would have said "No", but at least they could have asked!!!
But it's my fault, I know that it's my fault, because...
I never felt it was the right man.
Never!
But what does it mean the right man? The love of your life?
The concept is absurd, the idea that we can only be
complete with another person is...
EVIL!
Right?"

J: "Can I talk?"

C: "You know, I guess I've been heart broken too many times.
And then I recovered. So now, you know, from the starts, I make no effort.
Because I know exactly what hap..."

J: "You can't do that. You can't do that, you can't live your life trying to avoid pain,
at the expense of en..."

C: "Ok, you know what?
Loose our words!
I've gotta... I've gotta
get away from you...
Stop the car, I want to get out!"

J: "No, no, no,
don't... don't get out..."

C: "You know, it's being around you..."

J: "Keep talking..."

C: "Don't touch me! You know, I wanna get on a cab...Monsieur...Monsieur, aretes vous! Non, non, c'est bon, aux faux la!"

J: "No, no, no, don't, keep going...
No, listen, I'm just so happy...
thank you, just keep going...
All right. Look, I'm just so happy, all right...
to be with you. I am. I'm so glad you
didn’t' forget about me."

C: "No, I didn't...
and it pisses me off, ok?
You come here to Paris, all romantic, and married.
Ok?
Screw you!
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to get you, or anything.
I mean, all I need is married man!
There's been so much water under the bridge, it's...
it's not even about you anymore, it's about that time, that moment in time, that is forever gone, I don't know!"

J: "You... you say all that, but you didn't even remember having sex. So..."

C: "Of course I remember it..."

J: "You did?"

C: "Yes! Women pretend things like that."

J: "They do?"

C: "Yeah, what was I supposed to say? That I remember the wine in the park, and...
us looking about the stars fading away as the sun came up!
We had sex twice, you idiot!"

J: "All right, you know what? I'm just...
happy to see you, even if... you've become an angry, maniac depressive activist.
I still like you, I still enjoy being around you!
And I feel the same."

C: "I'm... I'm sorry, I don't know what happened.
I just...
I had to let it all out. I..."

J: "Don't worry about it."

C: "I'm so miserable in my love life,
in my relationship, I always act as...
Like...
you know, I'm detached, but I'm...
I'm dying inside.
I'm dying because I'm so numb, I don't feel pain, or excitement...
I'm not even bitter, I'm just..."

aaaaaaaaaaaand a beautiful song from the film as well:

for your eyes and hearts

sometimes i get scared. okay, a lot of the time i get scared. the thing is, i force myself to do whatever it is that makes me feel that way. and sometimes that gets really exhausting. sometimes i'm glad i forced myself out of my comfort zone, sometimes i'm not. either way, every time i make myself do something i'm apprehensive about, i get stronger and more brave. and that, makes me proud.

i haven't posted any pictures lately, so here are the ones i've been collecting. i hope they make a part of you smile.




































also, i've been watching season 4 of skins. it's alright so far, the other seasons have been better. all the same, i still bawled like a baby in 2 of 5 episodes so far.